Update!!!

I agreed to take Paddles with me to New York City for the wedding of my friends Shannon and Sam earlier this month under the strict condition that she behaved herself. No shenanigans. No drunken benders.

Things were good at first. We went sight-seeing around New York. We were both hoping that we would see Tina Fey when we went to Rockefeller Plaza. Both of us were joking about how we would run if we saw that Al Roker character. Scary.

Later that night, we met up with Shannon and her girls for her bachelorette party. Man oh man, Shannon and Paddles hit it off right away. I have never seen my baby doll take so quickly to another human being.

Well, things took a turn for the worse. Paddles saw the Shampoo martini I ordered for myself and before I knew it, she took back to the sauce again.

Oh Paddles....

Then she started photo-bombing all of my group pictures. Haha, very funny, Paddles.

Damnit, Paddles. Seriously. The night is NOT about you. It's about Shannon.

Paddles at the end of her bender that night. It was embarrassing. Are you happy, Paddles? ARE YOU SATISFIED WITH YOURSELF? How do you even look at yourself in the mirror? You can't because you're probably too drunk to focus.

Paddles sobered enough to make an appearance at the wedding that Saturday. It took her two days to shake off that nasty hangover. She knew it meant a lot to Shannon and Sam that she showed up so she woke up that morning, cracked open a beer and headed to the wedding with me.

Watch out, Shannon. First she steals your heart. Then she'll steal your money to buy her next bottle. Sigh.....

Paddles, overall, had a good time at the wedding and in New York City. She definitely will not be coming back with me. What a handful!

Oh no!

As you all know, Paddles has been MIA as of late. I looked high and low for her, and believe me, trying to find a baby doll in the city of Pittsburgh is no easy task. Yeah, man, imagine the looks I received when I walked into a place of business and asked, "Have you seen Paddles the baby doll?"

Much to my happiness, as well as my chagrin, I found her. And did I find her. I heard a rumor that she had been partying in the South Hills, and over the weekend, I came across Paddles in a drunken stupor in Dravosburg. Dravosburg??!?!

Apparently, Paddles met a group of Dravosburg locals in the last couple of months. They bonded over their shared love of Tupac, although Paddles is more fond of Biggie. East Coast! Anyway, I guess Paddles and her group of homies like drinking forties by the Mon river and partying. That folks, is where I found her... all passed out by the Mon river, with the slight stench of sewage surrounding her. Not pretty. Not pretty at all. I have a feeling she'll have to hit bottom before she seeks help again.

Yo

Remember me, fools?

I'm back, bitches.

Please Pray for Paddles

I admit, it wasn't a very friend thing of me to do but I took a picture of Paddles before rushing her off to rehab.

It's been a trying year for all involved.

Paddles' Road to Recovery

I'm sorry to be the one to break the news to all of y'all (all three of you) but Paddles hadn't been around as of late due to a stint in rehab.

It shouldn't have been a big shock, since Paddles loves that Lindsay Lohan.

Damn you, La Lohan!

Statement

Paddles has worked feverishly on a statement for the past couple of weeks. She wanted to make sure she properly conveyed her feelings.

"I would like to publicly declare that over twenty years ago, I was a victim of a brutal attack at the hands of a three-year-old girl, whose name I'll withhold. Let's just call her... Mia. When Mia was three years old, she became very upset with her friend Lara and as a result, attacked me with a sharp object repeatedly.

Both Lara and I were shocked at the attack, as was Mia's mother. If I recall correctly, Mia was grounded appropriately for the attack. Lara forgave Mia and to this day, the two girls are still very close friends.

I, on the other hand, have lived with the daily reminder of that attack. The marks all over my head and buttocks have left me with a less than desirable appearance. I will admit, I have now and then cursed the name Thia for what she did to me. I was just a baby doll! I didn't do anything to her, although I'm glad she didn't try and stab Lara. My loyalty will always be with her, but I have often wondered why she was so quick to forgive my attacker? Didn't she love me?

Many years and therapy sessions later... I have learned to move on from the attack and concentrate me. I have learned to love Paddles, inside and out. When you still hold onto the hurt and anger from an attack, you live in the past. No longer, I say. This baby doll will live her life and party like it's 19 freaking 99.

To Th-er, Mia, I would like to say that I forgive you and wish you well. I hope that one day you and I can have a drink and toast to life. Lara said that Boulevard is yummy. Anyway, I hope that you can let go of the guilt."